The unthinkable happened to me. Well at least to me it was unthinkable (there are worse things of course). My fiancé dumped me – feels weird even writing it. (Or as my best friend likes to say instead, released me – apparently dumping is too harsh of a term). Normally, I wouldn’t write about something so personal but I felt the need to discuss the interaction it has had with my depression. Now, to be real when it happened, like in the over emotional moments (at one or two points when it happened and after it happened) my go to thoughts were of suicide. I threatened it aloud. Shameful I know. It wasn’t my finest moment. I don’t know what came over me. I wailed, cried and screamed, at some points kneeling on the floor. Never in my life did I think I’d react that way, but you never know until it happens to you correct? I was devastated, in shock and to be honest hysterical (It was a little like a movie scene and I was the she’s a little off character, think Single White Female or Fatal attraction except I’m not psychotic)
Back to the suicidal thoughts – were they a real threat? I don’t know. In the moment I felt such blind passion. This intense, catastrophic event in my life had to be met by something equally so – even if it was just words with no actual intent behind them. So no, I do not believe they were completely a real threat. I believe they were more so words of a desperate woman.
Now that we’ve got that somewhat clarified. I am actually shocked suicidal thoughts weren’t more rampant. This man, whom I thought was my soul mate, my future, my rock just told me goodbye. My entire life changed in the span of a few spoken words. Based on my past dealings with depression and negative life-altering circumstances, suicidal thoughts were my go-to (not purposely obviously). There should have been more crises occurring, left, right and centre, erryday. But there wasn’t. I was beyond mortified, don’t get me wrong, I cried for days and was inconsolable at times (and still wailing). And I still cry up to today. But why wasn’t I suicidal? The answer plain and simple, the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) I had done, had worked. It had done it’s magic.
With that being said one would really need to examine my thought process and how it did NOT lead to suicidal thoughts, to understand how this happened. For those who haven’t heard of CBT – it is a therapy based on changing how you feel by changing how you think. Although I was grief stricken and will be for some time, I anticipate, my thoughts did not go down their usual path because those paths had been altered through CBT. My automatic thoughts of “Why me?” “These things always happen to me,” “I have nothing to live for,” were missing. And I don’t feel like “Oh I’m simply used to these things happening to me” either. I’m not sure yet what it is exactly that I am thinking, I don’t think enough time has passed for me to eloquently express that but I do know the negative thoughts are gone. And that, that can keep me going for now.
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