I wish I had wrote this sooner. So much has happened between my original post and now. Everything feels like simply a memory, which it is, but you know what I mean!
My first post was optimistic I think but things have definitely been up and down since then.
I had to do a lot of firsts without him. First thanksgiving dinner, first birthday and now soon it’ll be first Christmas. These were/are not fun times.
I’ve hit some serious lows. Bawling by myself in my room. Sometimes on the bedroom floor. Sometimes for hours. I don’t know what it is about crying on the floor that makes it more, for lack of a better word, dramatic. It’s like that’s how sad I am, I physically have to be on the floor. The lowest I can get. But with that logic I should be outside on the lawn or in a well somewhere bawling (LOL). But yes for everybody’s sake I kept it to the bedroom floor. I’ve cried on the train home, I’ve cried in the car with my Dad. Thank God I never cried at work. Haven’t done that in years! (Besides I learned not do l to do that when I read If You Have To Cry Go Outside). There have been some major moments. I think this is the longest period of consistent sadness I’ve ever had in my life.
I’ve had a lot of heaviness in my chest. Not a pain but a heavy feeling. I don’t want to forget that, how it feels.
I’m still in shock and haven’t fully excepted it. Even if it’s been eight months. Some days I just experience this befuddlement. Like what? How? Who? Did that really happen?
And to be honest there’s been a lot of suicidal feelings and thoughts. I’d say the most I’ve ever had in a given time period. Clearly that did not come to fruition. (I’ll write more on that later). Sounds pretty dramatic, especially over a man. That being said, it was nearly six years of my life. We lived together. Had a dog. Planned a future together.
My whole life has changed. I live at home now with my father which is a story within itself. He pretty much just doesn’t know what to do with a crying 30 year old daughter (aw yes I also turned 30, more on that later).
I’m not really sure what to say at this point. I’m still going through the journey. I will say this though. My CBT worked during the first couple months, then after that when I stopped distracting myself and the realness of my situation was fully realized, I didn’t have the mind power to deal. My CBT progress went straight out of the window, particularly with new thoughts of blaming myself for the break up. I couldn’t (and can’t) stop ruminating on the negative thoughts. “If I had done this or that,” “If I had cooked and cleaned more,” “If I had played that stupid game he was always bugging me about.” The thoughts just spiral out of control, leaving me upset. But the reality is the break up was much more complicated than that and that is what I am working on now. Looking at it realistically.
Read more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in my first post A Jilted Bride, 29 and Depressed
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