In my most desperate times, I see suicide as a possible release. A release from the depression, the negative thoughts, the strain and suffering. I truly see it as that and nothing more. At times, I’ve compared it to physician-assisted death, to myself only because I know a lot of people would feel differently. But I really do see myself in those stories.
Now I ask is it selfish, because one of my many support systems (i.e. one of my close friends) was absolutely livid that I couldn’t see it that way. To her, leaving your friends and family to mourn you was something you shouldn’t be able to even bear the thought. It was a selfish thing to do and something your family may never recover from.
Perhaps to me because these thoughts have been with me for so long, I don’t think of the repercussions as often anymore. Maybe I’m numb to the consequences. And my family knows of my depression, so would it really be that shocking?
But who are you living for at that point? For your family and friends, is that enough to live for?