A particular pattern of behavior started for me in high school. I call it The Freak Out. There were rarely major tests where I didn’t have anxiety and sometimes a honest to God good ol’ freak out. But the joke was, I also rarely did badly, quite the opposite, I mostly performed exceptionally – it was freaking out for absolutely no good reason. The anxiety I couldn’t help so much and sometimes a little anxiety is good (of course there becomes a point when it’s simply detrimental). However, The Freak Out, I could have avoided and done without.
I think because of this pattern of behavior on some level, in my mind, I have made this weird connection between The Freak Out and positive results. Bad behavior = positive results. I freaked out – and I did well. As an adult I think I’m always freaking out because based on the past good things should happen. Instead of being reasonable and having such thoughts, I assume the worst will happen. Now I can’t ignore the bad things that have happened to me, they must be acknowledged. On the whole however, things almost always figure themselves out and if they don’t, I’m still okay in the end.
My depression and frustration can be dealt with by using past evidence to fight these negative thoughts. I bring up CBT again because that’s what it does. It gives you an alternative more balanced thought. The problem is also in what I believe about myself. Am I confident? Do I recognize my own intelligence and strengths? I have a lot to work on but I think recognizing these patterns of behavior is a tremendous start.