New Year, New You? Handling New Year’s & Mental Illness

This is a super late post I know! But guess what? It’s still January (a week and a half left I know) but I can still discuss New Year’s resolutions right? Right? Going to anyway. Personally, I was feeling some very tangible anxiety over the Christmas break. A New Year already? Jesus, where did the time go? Did I even accomplish anything in 2017? You mean I have to think of new goals and new sh*t to do AGAIN?

First of all, honestly, it’s a bit arbitrary and overrated. You literally start a new day every 24 hours and  new months, new weeks, new hours etc. You can have a fresh start at any of these points! But yes, people tend to focus on a new year. My advice, is to stick to tangible goals and also put a timeline to it. Lose 5 pounds? By when? How? Meditate and do CBT more often? When? How many times? With who? Make a schedule and try sticking to it. Another thing is, don’t stress. No one is perfect. Reward yourself for progressing as far as you can. Another great trick, is to split your goals up into short term, long term and perhaps weekly. This can help things feel more manageable. I usually post my goals in my kitchen up on a cool glass wipe-board with chalk markers.

Something I also think is super constructive to do for the New Year, is to let things go. Let go of the crappy things that brought you down in 2017, let go of the bad relationships, bad jobs, bad therapy, breakdowns or crappy situations, leave them where they belong, in the past. I know that’s easier said then done, especially when juggling a mental illness, but it can be liberating to give yourself permission to let certain things go.

Do I hate my ex-fiancé?

It’s been 2 years and 8 months since the big break up and I find myself asking, do I hate my ex-fiancé? How do I now feel about him and what he did? It’s a weird feeling I get when I think about this. I kind of awkwardly chuckle to myself. In my mature moments, I think “all is fair in love and war” right? He didn’t love me anymore, so he broke it off. Fair, no? But on the flip side, did he have to propose eight months earlier? No. Did he have to cut things off dryly (would not come home and see me the night of, after he basically broke it to me over the phone)? Those things I would say were unfair, he could have done it with some more finesse but I guess he was hurting too.

So do I hate him? Sigh. No. Hate is a strong word. Can you really ever hate someone you once loved and imagined your life with?

I will say though, that I have grown. I have grown spiritually and emotionally. I am a different woman now. I handle my finances better, I have an amazing job and I have even deeper relationships with my girlfriends/tribe and family (who both went above and beyond their support for me). I believe in myself, my merits, my smarts, my importance. Could all those things have happened while I was still with him? I don’t know. But to be on the optimistic side I will be thankful for those things. Will I ever thank him? Not today.

Is 30 Too Old to Date Casually?

A hot topic among my girlfriends seems to be should I be casually dating someone and how long can it go on for?

Now the guy I’m “seeing,” who I met on Tinder, I’m pretty sure will never marry me. Ever. He’s still in his twenties and a few years younger (which is another story in of itself as this seems to be a very special ‘last hurrah’ time in a man’s life). A lot of my friends seem concerned. Am I wasting my time? Will I get hurt?

With my supposed biological clock ticking (which my journalist girlfriend pointed out is based on old science) and my youthful looks withering, should I only date men that are older and serious about our future? Can’t a girl just have fun, well into her thirties?

Self-Publishing Update

I have two book edits left to do and I can’t manage to force myself to do them. As I previously mentioned, there’s been some ongoing family drama that’s really brought me down. I’ve been really struggling with it and it’s been a challenging time. But things are looking up on the horizon and I really want to get these edits out of the way so I can really focus on marketing and building a fan-base/readership. I’ve wasted so much time getting through the break up that I’m letting time and my dreams slip. I’m giving myself August to really sit down and hack away at this. Wish me luck!

A Jilted Bride Update

It’s been one year, four months and thirteen days since he broke it off and I’m still reeling. Not on the bedroom floor crying (anymore) – thank God – just obsessively thinking about him and his new girlfriend/lady in his life (I’m not sure what she really is and I’m too scared to ask). To be fair I was doing tremendously well until my living situation became out of control and family drama ensued. And just the mere tearing down of my defenses left me emotionally vulnerable. Everything feels so fresh. Our last words, last discussion, the entire freaking relationship really. I keep getting flashes of all the laughter, kisses and embraces. Obviously, that’s not all it was, there were dark times, but that’s all my frigging mind can all of a sudden recollect.

It only makes sense though, that in harder times I’m going to miss him. He’s going to seem like the only one that can solve my issues and help me cope. Now, I would love to argue that it’s the truth and he would make things go poof but for my own survival and sense of self I have to be reasonable. I have to remember, things will change, things will alleviate (without him) and I won’t feel as desperate.

And I think it’s the same for depression. In dire times, you have to keep reminding yourself that things will change. No matter the situation, things will change and you can bounce back to where you were. Like any struggle, there are going to be relapses.

Spoiled, Dating and Depression – Part III

There are so many angles I want to examine this from.

  1. From the dating perspective, part of me feels I made a big mistake giving the second guy (Uber guy) an ultimatum. As my brother-in-law informed me, no one likes an ultimatum –no one, not your family, friends or significant others. Keep them to yourself. It’s funny because I didn’t necessarily view it as one during the time. I thought it was a playful way (this is when I thought he’d choose properly and not make me leave) of getting what I wanted essentially. But I was wrong, he didn’t like me enough to Uber me home apparently and it backfired. It ended something fun.
  2. From the point of view of examining myself mainly how self-assured and self-reliant I am – it raises some good issues. Should I have been looking to these men to find my way home? In hindsight, no. We weren’t officially bf/gf and as a grown woman I should have planned ahead.
  3. When looking at my self-esteem and mental health, I think lord help me, is there a part of me that relies too much on men to be my caregiver on some level. My boyfriends have always taken good care of me, driving me home, cooking dinner etc. Maybe it’s time I start to take care of myself, no relying on men. At 30 years old, I should be more self-reliant, especially when going out on dates. More self-reliance equals greater self-esteem, which equals less depression. The second situation was tough for me, I really liked the guy and the following week was an emotional challenge. I can’t help but think, if I took control of these situations in the first place I would be more confident and less affected by these men and their choices.

Spoiled, Dating and Depressed Part II

Spoiled, Dating and Depressed

I wrote a post last week about my latest dating adventure and I mention that a certain situation (the man not making sure I had a means to get home) has happened to me before. This is that first situation.

We went to a movie that ended at about 8pm. And decided to walk to his place which was maybe a 20 minute walk (and far from the subway). We ate leftovers at his place, snuggled to a game and at about 11 o’clock I asked him if he was going to drive me home (which was 30-40 mins away). Now I’m not a total nut/diva, he had driven me home before from his place so it wasn’t that far-fetched, not at all actually.

And then he said it “I’m too tired to drive.” Pardon? He just kind of nuzzled into me further. Like guy, this isn’t a burrow. I thought maybe he was joking so I asked again. Nope, he was serious. Or sleepover he said. So I could do the walk of shame to my job the next day in the same clothes? Was he insane?

When I realized he was serious, I started getting ready to leave. The subway was too far away so I opted to take a taxi (a $62 ride, I still have the receipt). I was a grown woman who’d get herself home.

So I’m ready to go and homeboy puts on a hoodie and grabs his keys. For a moment I thought he was going to drive me and I was about to turn my sweet side back on…before I realized he was just going to walk me to the cab at the front of his building.

He hugs and kisses me goodbye before I jump into the taxi. And I will never forget the look on his face as I sped away in that taxi. A lost puppy is what he looked like.

He later messaged me that night with a sincere (as one can get over text) apology and that he’d make it up to me. I ghosted on him and never replied.

The End.

I wanted to write this post because I mentioned the story in a recent post. To follow I will write my thoughts (then and now) about these dating scenarios. I’ll also discuss how this relates to my depression.

Part I to this article When a Man Doesn’t Drive You Home. A Dealbreaker? Hell Yes

When a man doesn’t drive you home. A dealbreaker? Hell yes!

Now this has happened twice to me in the last year. But even the second time I feel hella good doing it/not standing for it. And that is odd for me because sometimes I can get down on myself instead.

I am just too old for this foolishness.

After meeting a suitor on Tinder (which should have been my first warning), we had 5 “dates” and I use the word loosely because it was more like we’d end up back at his place to fool around. We went to an actual restaurant twice out of the 5 times. Now by the 5th time something was sort of bothering me. Usually when I date men (or even my friends) they make sure I get home safely. I was staying late at his place and commuting home (he did order an Uber to the subway station, probably like 6-8 bucks I’m guessing, note that it  took me about another 40-45 minutes to get home). So I got cheeky and gave him a…for lack of a better word, ultimatum. I said I could a) sleepover b) go home earlier (which would be soon) or c) he could Uber me home.

You should have seen his face when I said the last option. It was scrunched up like “nah nah, like what”? But in my mind I was like “Do you know who I am!? I am a quality woman, one you make sure gets home safely.” Every woman period should get that respect. Period.

I should have scrunched my face up back at him, “that’s not really how things go in my life.”

I ended up leaving after a bit of cuddling (I love to cuddle) and finding my own way home. He acted sad when I said I was going to leave but it was his choice and that’s what he chose! Cry me a river.

I don’t know. Am I being old school? Is it too much to ask that I make it home safely? That I’m not taking the bus at all hours of the night? It’s 2016. Should I be making my own way home? Am I far reaching? Should I not be expecting this from men? Find your own way home? Is this it? Is chivalry dead?

My therapist is going to die when I tell her it’s happened again! But she’ll be proud I shut it down!

Insanity I tell you insanity! It’s real in these streets.

Leaving a Cookie Cutter Life Behind

I keep trying to make my life fit into this cookie cutter image I’ve fabricated from the lives of my family, my friends and expectations of society.

Finish school.
Get a job.
Get married.
Have kids.
(There’s a Sun Life Financial commercial showing how different things are now, something I should probably seriously think about)

This break up has really shattered these expectations for me because, hell, I’m not going to obtain them exactly in that way or order. I’m 30, no man, no ring, no baby. But the funny thing is, this has alleviated a lot of my stress and pressure (in the meantime anyway, let’s see how I feel in a few months or years). So out of a situation I had no choice in or say, has come this new era in my life. A time to finally let go of expectations, accept me for who I am and love myself and life, just the way it is. No “I’ll be happy when.” “I have to have this before I do that.” A time to be free. I am earnestly trying to believe in the unconventional life and the fulfillment it might bring.