Spoiled, Dating and Depression – Part III

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There are so many angles I want to examine this from.

  1. From the dating perspective, part of me feels I made a big mistake giving the second guy (Uber guy) an ultimatum. As my brother-in-law informed me, no one likes an ultimatum –no one, not your family, friends or significant others. Keep them to yourself. It’s funny because I didn’t necessarily view it as one during the time. I thought it was a playful way (this is when I thought he’d choose properly and not make me leave) of getting what I wanted essentially. But I was wrong, he didn’t like me enough to Uber me home apparently and it backfired. It ended something fun.
  2. From the point of view of examining myself mainly how self-assured and self-reliant I am – it raises some good issues. Should I have been looking to these men to find my way home? In hindsight, no. We weren’t officially bf/gf and as a grown woman I should have planned ahead.
  3. When looking at my self-esteem and mental health, I think lord help me, is there a part of me that relies too much on men to be my caregiver on some level. My boyfriends have always taken good care of me, driving me home, cooking dinner etc. Maybe it’s time I start to take care of myself, no relying on men. At 30 years old, I should be more self-reliant, especially when going out on dates. More self-reliance equals greater self-esteem, which equals less depression. The second situation was tough for me, I really liked the guy and the following week was an emotional challenge. I can’t help but think, if I took control of these situations in the first place I would be more confident and less affected by these men and their choices.

Spoiled, Dating and Depressed Part II

Spoiled, Dating and Depressed

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I wrote a post last week about my latest dating adventure and I mention that a certain situation (the man not making sure I had a means to get home) has happened to me before. This is that first situation.

We went to a movie that ended at about 8pm. And decided to walk to his place which was maybe a 20 minute walk (and far from the subway). We ate leftovers at his place, snuggled to a game and at about 11 o’clock I asked him if he was going to drive me home (which was 30-40 mins away). Now I’m not a total nut/diva, he had driven me home before from his place so it wasn’t that far-fetched, not at all actually.

And then he said it “I’m too tired to drive.” Pardon? He just kind of nuzzled into me further. Like guy, this isn’t a burrow. I thought maybe he was joking so I asked again. Nope, he was serious. Or sleepover he said. So I could do the walk of shame to my job the next day in the same clothes? Was he insane?

When I realized he was serious, I started getting ready to leave. The subway was too far away so I opted to take a taxi (a $62 ride, I still have the receipt). I was a grown woman who’d get herself home.

So I’m ready to go and homeboy puts on a hoodie and grabs his keys. For a moment I thought he was going to drive me and I was about to turn my sweet side back on…before I realized he was just going to walk me to the cab at the front of his building.

He hugs and kisses me goodbye before I jump into the taxi. And I will never forget the look on his face as I sped away in that taxi. A lost puppy is what he looked like.

He later messaged me that night with a sincere (as one can get over text) apology and that he’d make it up to me. I ghosted on him and never replied.

The End.

I wanted to write this post because I mentioned the story in a recent post. To follow I will write my thoughts (then and now) about these dating scenarios. I’ll also discuss how this relates to my depression.

Part I to this article When a Man Doesn’t Drive You Home. A Dealbreaker? Hell Yes

When a man doesn’t drive you home. A dealbreaker? Hell yes!

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Now this has happened twice to me in the last year. But even the second time I feel hella good doing it/not standing for it. And that is odd for me because sometimes I can get down on myself instead.

I am just too old for this foolishness.

After meeting a suitor on Tinder (which should have been my first warning), we had 5 “dates” and I use the word loosely because it was more like we’d end up back at his place to fool around. We went to an actual restaurant twice out of the 5 times. Now by the 5th time something was sort of bothering me. Usually when I date men (or even my friends) they make sure I get home safely. I was staying late at his place and commuting home (he did order an Uber to the subway station, probably like 6-8 bucks I’m guessing, note that it  took me about another 40-45 minutes to get home). So I got cheeky and gave him a…for lack of a better word, ultimatum. I said I could a) sleepover b) go home earlier (which would be soon) or c) he could Uber me home.

You should have seen his face when I said the last option. It was scrunched up like “nah nah, like what”? But in my mind I was like “Do you know who I am!? I am a quality woman, one you make sure gets home safely.” Every woman period should get that respect. Period.

I should have scrunched my face up back at him, “that’s not really how things go in my life.”

I ended up leaving after a bit of cuddling (I love to cuddle) and finding my own way home. He acted sad when I said I was going to leave but it was his choice and that’s what he chose! Cry me a river.

I don’t know. Am I being old school? Is it too much to ask that I make it home safely? That I’m not taking the bus at all hours of the night? It’s 2016. Should I be making my own way home? Am I far reaching? Should I not be expecting this from men? Find your own way home? Is this it? Is chivalry dead?

My therapist is going to die when I tell her it’s happened again! But she’ll be proud I shut it down!

Insanity I tell you insanity! It’s real in these streets.

Leaving a Cookie Cutter Life Behind

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I keep trying to make my life fit into this cookie cutter image I’ve fabricated from the lives of my family, my friends and expectations of society.

Finish school.
Get a job.
Get married.
Have kids.
Work.
Retire.
Die.
(There’s a Sun Life Financial commercial showing how different things are now, something I should probably seriously think about)

This break up has really shattered these expectations for me because, hell, I’m not going to obtain them exactly in that way or order. I’m 30, no man, no ring, no baby. But the funny thing is, this has alleviated a lot of my stress and pressure (in the meantime anyway, let’s see how I feel in a few months or years). So out of a situation I had no choice in or say, has come this new era in my life. A time to finally let go of expectations, accept me for who I am and love myself and life, just the way it is. No “I’ll be happy when.” “I have to have this before I do that.” A time to be free. I am earnestly trying to believe in the unconventional life and the fulfillment it might bring.

Stability with Depression – Part 1

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Besides money (i.e. a good salary amount), over the past decade I’ve been searching for stability, something I didn’t necessary have in my late teens. I was (and still am) looking for emotional stability as well as stability in my surroundings. Have I ever discovered it? In the last decade, perhaps for a few years. But I’ve found my life with a wrench thrown into it, messing things up, more than once in regards to stability. The most recent event being the break up.

Right now I think I’m searching for it again – a routine, a steady job, steady goals. There are a few ways I can achieve this. 1) create a schedule and stick to it, routine activities (exercise, writing, blogging, sleeping/waking at the same time) 2) make a 5 year plan of where I am and where I’d like to be and what will help me get there 3) Make smaller goals and timelines.

I’ve found blogging consistently has acted as a type of stability in my life. Not only has it helped me connect with other people with similar issues but it’s given me a daily activity to focus on and look forward to. That being said, I’d like to keep it up!

 

To 2016

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As I get ready to ring in the new year tonight so many things cross my mind. Will 2016 be any different for me? Is there a point to making any resolutions? How hard is it really to change your habits?

I hope it’s a new year spent letting go, moving forward and making new beginnings.

Happy New Year.

Why I’ve never gone through with suicide

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Now this may sound selfish as there are probably a million reasons to value your life and time on this earth, but to be honest the number one reason I’ve never taken suicidal thoughts any further is because I am deathly afraid of death. It actually gives me anxiety when I think about it too much. How does that not drive everyone crazy? The fact that no one knows what happens after death?

I grew up in a christian home and went to church growing up but a small part of me fears there is nothing after death. So that’s it. You kill yourself, it’s over, you cease to exist. That very thought terrifies me. And is enough for me never to take that desperate final step. And if the bible is right and there is a hell, well technically you’d go to hell for killing yourself (or so I hear). So either way you’re screwed. Amen to staying alive!

Today in Therapy

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Today in therapy, I brought up the issue that I’m scared I couldn’t take care of myself if I were to live alone after the breakup. My therapist kind of laughed at it (obviously in a like ha ha omg no way, way), so I started laughing and we just sat there and laughed for two minutes.

Now at the end of this I wasn’t sure if I should feel better or worse about the topic. What do you do when your therapist laughs at/with you?

I am Not My Accomplishments

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I can’t even type “I am not my accomplishments” without cringing a little bit. But clearly from my past blog posts I have an issue. An issue with raising the bar higher and higher for myself and for comparing my success to others. It’s gotten out of control. This is going to sound ridiculous but hilarious at the same time. Sometimes I even find myself comparing my life to Drake‘s or Nina Dobrev‘s (Vampire Diaries). Okay before you laugh hysterically, I only do so because A) They’re from Toronto and B) I know people who know them so in my head they’re tangible people and not merely celebrities if that makes any sense. And trust me I do realize how insane it sounds. I’m comparing myself to a highly successful international rapper and an actress from a hit television show. I’m laughing as I write this, it’s so far fetched. I come back down to reality because A) I don’t want to be a rapper or actress and B) they are rare individuals themselves, well at least their success is. If I was in their fields I could see why I’d be thinking – hey why aren’t I at their level? Thank God for the fact that I’m neither of those things or God knows how badly my depression/anxiety would be.

My point with this post is that I need to see myself beyond my accomplishments or I fear I’ll never be happy. Even with great success I still might be miserable. And what about the other facets of life? Family and friends and just being an overall good person? Do these things not count for something?

There’s a line from the movie “Across the Universe” where the main character says, “Surely it’s not what you do but how you do it.” And I’ve always remembered that. Maybe it’s time I apply that to my own life.

The Strength to Live

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Okay the title sounds a bit dramatic but I needed a good one! I’m off for the holidays which poses a problem, a sleeping problem. Today wasn’t too bad, I did sleep in but I got up did some errands and things from my to-do list. However, after that, I lazed around, slept for a bit, tried to sleep for a bit more, tidied up, then gave in (to not doing anymore tasks) showered and watched The Theory of Everything. Now part of my goals this week off, was to catch up on some TV and movies so in part I was getting stuff done! I felt down on myself for sleeping at all though and not doing more. Which made me want to laze around even more. I reached out to a friend to talk it out and get motivated and she pointed out that I did a lot today and to relax. I agreed with her and set out to watch a movie instead of pouting.

This reminded me of my last post on negative self-talk. I am so incredibly hard on myself even when I’m doing well, I can really be self-defeating. So that was a good lesson to just relax, not take things too seriously and give credit where it’s due.

The Theory of Everything was definitely moving (obviously). To have such a debilitating disease and push through and with such great humor is awe-inspiring. It makes me re-evaluate my own personal struggles and the strength I have to live. Maybe things aren’t so bad after all. I need to find that strength and channel it.