The Journey

house in the middle of crop field

My Jamaican Dad’s Advice about Life & Mental Health

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There is a major disconnect when it comes to mental health and what it means to black parents and their children (at whatever age). I can imagine this is happening in many households right now as we struggle to make it through literally each day and try our best to deal with covid19 and the black lives matter revolution! My heart goes out to those who find themselves in this situation, living with a family who does not understand mental health and therefore are being more harmful than helpful. And I can say that because I understand what kind of challenges and emotions it creates. I’ve lived it.

Many black parents believe there is just no room or time for mental illness. If you profess your struggle to your family it’s often met with frustration or even anger. But I want you to know, you are not alone!

Photo by Jeffrey Czum on Pexels.com

When I first got sick my Dad’s favorite thing to say to me was, “If the house is on fire, the house is on fire.” And he would add a very animated “Get out!” at the end of the quote.

He would say this to me in my times of despair. It was his advice when I would bring up issues I was depressed or anxious about, perhaps it was about school, my career, my personal trauma or my relationships at the time. I know he was trying his best to help me but it used to. Piss. Me. Off.

As I step back and look at the last 20 years of dealing with depression, OCD and anxiety while also considering the current state of the world, I realize this advice is very West Indian. It relates to that notion of you have food, water and shelter, what else is there to be upset about? I think for him as an immigrant and a black man, he did not have time or the luxury to address his mental health or even think about it. To him, you have to be logical and simplify the situation. Which is likely what he had to do as a young black man in a foreign country trying to make a life for himself and later for his family. Metaphorically, the “getting out of the house” leaves no room for questions like who started the fire? What personal belongings do I grab? Will insurance cover it? Forget all that, you need to get out of the burning house! It also leaves no room for emotions.

“If the house is on fire, the house is on fire. Get out.”

It took nearly 20 years before I started to understand this quote to be honest and it…well, kind of makes sense!

The guy you like doesn’t like you, he doesn’t like you, move on.

You failed the exam, you failed the exam, what are you going to do next?

You didn’t get the job, you didn’t get the job, what other jobs can you look at? How else can you generate income?

It is about accepting that the house is on fire and that you must get out, let go of the house and move on. Don’t discuss the fire! Get out of the damn house. Don’t ruminate! It has helped me accept certain realities. These things you can’t control are happening (you can’t control that house fire), you have to look beyond them and look at what you can do, what you can control.

But let’s be real for a second here, this analogy does not take into account well, everything else! Pain, regret, sorrow, time to process, grief, a broken heart, broken promises, the list goes on forever. It’s a practical person’s advice and can only really be processed, once you’ve dealt with your emotions. It can be about owning your life.

I do believe if you are in the right frame of mind this idea can help you right now. We have to try to be logical when it comes to certain things, grieve but also try to be think about what can help you right now, whether that is self-care or taking breaks from work or your family. I’m not downplaying anyone’s pain and suffering right now but I think it is helpful to try not to ruminate because we all have to figure out our situations and next steps.

I talk about this example because it’s important to understand the approach black parents take and what they are thinking. Some parents are truly trying to help you, they just don’t know how yet. We need to acknowledge and address that gap before we can move forward as a community!

Has your parent, therapist, teacher etc. ever used seemingly inane quotes, analogies or metaphors to comfort you in your time of need? Did you understand them at the time? Were they helpful?

RESOURCES I LOVE:

Hill Studio

“Meditation, breathing exercise, conversations, calming music and soulful yoga flows to soothe and restore your mind, body and soul. Led by Black Wellness Practitioners to address the needs of the Black Community. Open to all members of the Black Community. All Genders welcome.”

Therapy for Black Girls

“So often the stigma surrounding mental health issues and therapy prevents Black women from taking the step of seeing a therapist. This space was developed to present mental health topics in a way that feels more accessible and relevant.”

8 Black Mental Health Resources in Canada and Online

“These organizations focused on the mental health and well-being of Black communities can offer some much-needed support right now.”

Read about my book here. Coming this summer!

Read “Why I wrote A Hidden Life” here.

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Dear West Indian & African parents

Many immigrant parents have a very hard time processing that their child has a mental illness or poor mental health. “You have food, shelter and everything else I provided for you, why are you depressed? What is there to be depressed about?” As someone who is half Jamaican and half Vincentian and lives with depression, […]

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The first time I realized suicidal thoughts weren’t normal

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I’ll never forget this memory. I was 18 years-old and it was the year I took off after high school before going away to university.

I mean I knew something was wrong at the time and that I was more than just sad and needed help. I was with a happy-go-lucky guy at the time so I knew what normal (if not an outlier, he was naturally a really happy guy) looked like but it wasn’t until a conversation with my father did it occur to me that what was happening wasn’t normal, in particular my suicidal thoughts.

We were visiting the West Indies and driving down a mountain road. I remember being maybe mid-way down and still being able to see the land and houses down below. And my father said to me how I was talking and what I had said wasn’t normal. I remember his tone of voice, it was an all-knowing “Dad” type of tone with a dash of emotion and conviction in it. And the realization just washed over me. People fight to stay alive, to propagate and to live. The desperate steal and murder to survive. Not the opposite. Evolution pushed us towards this goal, a natural instinct. And there I was wanting the complete opposite. I guess then is when I truly realized I had an illness.

When did you realize something was amiss with your mental health? Did someone point it out to you or was it a quiet moment by yourself?

Why “Why Me” Is such a detrimental question

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I can always tell when things are going off track when the good ol’ “Why me?” question comes sneaking back in my mind! And honestly, it’s probably been around for as long as my depression. Why me? Why did these bad things have to happen to me? Why do bad things always happen to me? It’s such an agonizing sometimes angry or whiny “why me?” too, oppose to a more contemplative or self-reflective gentle “why me?”

Sometimes I even look at the stats, i.e. 2% of the population with this illness (not a real stat) or have experienced this trauma and I just feel like what the f*ck? Why do I have to be that 2%?

It can go beyond personal battles, for example as far as questioning the timing of the 2008 recession (don’t laugh). The recession I took personally (LOL), I know! Why did I have to graduate during the recession (which struck me even harder because I took a year off after high school, i.e. if I didn’t I would have graduated a year before the economy came crashing down)? That one still pops up in my mind from time to time. But the mature, reflective, therapy/CBT taking me, is like come on seriously? The recession literally hit millions of people, some losing their homes others losing the ability to support their family. I was irrefutably not alone in any sense of the word nor did the cosmos have some sort of vendetta against me deciding to punish me in the form of a great economic recession. It’s all rather big-headed of me actually.

“Why me” also discounts ALL the positive things that have happened to me! Now let’s not go as far as Beyonce did in this video, but hell this applies to so much from your basic needs being met, being born in a first world country, to the smaller wins and blessings in your life. The thought pattern is a tad bit useless to be honest and lets you wallow. Okay, fine, we all need a bit of wallowing but really think about this line of thinking carefully and examine where it takes you and why.

Sidenote: I hope using this story isn’t crossing the line but I remember when a old high school classmate of mine passed away from cancer while I was in university and someone told me she had said from her hospital bed that she would rather it happen to her than wish it on someone else. Still to this day I think about that nobility. Even in her last days, she was not thinking “why me?” but instead faced her reality with a courage I’m not sure many of us would have had.

 

Tall, short, black, white, old, young: What different Types of Therapists are Really Like

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This is going to sound outrageous but if you’ve ever sought mental health services in Toronto you will not be shocked by what I am about to say. I’ve been going to therapy since I was 15, that’s a total of 18 years and in those years I’ve seen maybe 20 different medical professionals including psychiatrists, psychologists, general practitioners (GPs) who do therapy, social workers and psychotherapists. And please consider that I am on the high functioning side, imagine those who are more severe – God knows their struggle to find help. Honestly, it can be quite interesting, challenging and exhausting at times searching for the proper help. Here are a few salient stories from throughout the years and my advice on finding the “one.”

Immigrant, brown, white, Chinese, Jewish, (not black which is a huge shame), young, middle aged, old, homosexual, straight, mothers or fathers, I’ve seen so many very different types of people for my mental health but I’ll try to stick to a few here. The majority of these experiences happened through referrals so I guess they were all connected somehow. Some were free, some I had to pay for, sometimes I had coverage sometimes I did not. Looking back I got lucky with free or OHIP covered student services, medical centres (GPs providing therapy), and social workers, actually looking back I got hella lucky. Medication has taken a toll on my pocket though, I’ll tell you that much.

The first medical professional I saw was an older psychiatrist in her home. I do recall going with family members, the home being very old school/traditional and exactly what she said to me. She said, “You’re 16, you should be out dancing. Try some Paxil.” I kid you not. There was no therapy talk, no digging into my symptoms or situation, just here are some meds, make sure you go to prom. I never saw her again and didn’t take the Paxil. This was the first interaction with a psychiatrist that coloured the rest of my experiences with them.

In the beginning and a couple times throughout the years, there were short term transitional individuals I would see, not terrible experiences but I mean what can someone really do for you in a few sessions?

Before I left town for undergrad, there was an older Indian man, maybe the age of my parents, he was lovely but nothing he said really got through to me. With him, was the first time I was told about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I recall him drawing a cycle diagram with arrows and circles and saying “A thought leads to a feeling and a feeling to a behaviour and a behaviour to a thought.” Honestly, it was just way too early in my journey to get any of it. I was still very much in an adolescent place, like what is this man telling me? What does this have to do with my crippling despair? Get me out of here! There was a lot of smiling politely.

When I went off to University in another city, I knew right away, obviously, I would need the extra support. My school had great on campus medical care for students in the form of a Student Wellness Centre. It lay in the basement of the student centre, my refuge. He was a red-headed psychologist with a long beard (before beards were a thing), very gentle, caring, smart, real and a little hippie – okay a lot hippie. He was a great stable relationship for me. I do recall passing him by on campus and we’d acknowledge one another but not overly so to prompt anyone with me to ask, “aw who’s that?”

One of the longest relationships with a therapist I’ve had, was a short Jewish lady who was a general practitioner. I’d come in, sit on the chair next to the examination table and we’d have long sessions, instead of the quicker appointments normally provided. Honestly, she was amazing and became a type of parental figure for me. Again, she was sympathetic, real, kind and funny. She understood where I was coming from being a type-A perfectionist woman and the constant burden and stress I was putting on myself. She wasn’t necessarily a trained psychotherapist but shit she was good! What I loved about her was that when things were outside of her scope, she acknowledged it and we would search for other services together, for instance when it came to my OCD. I believe I saw her for 3 to 4 years, maybe longer. I would even trek from downtown to the suburbs to see her. Sadly, (for me) she became pregnant, went on mat leave and would return to work at a location too far for me to commute. I cried some real tears when she told me and gave her a very special gift for her baby on our last session.

Sidenote: She would be concerned if she could still do physicals on me and made it a point to ask me if that was ok, which I thought was hilarious. I’m telling you my most intimate thoughts and feelings, I don’t think getting a pap and internal physical done is going to cross any lines at this point.

Okay so, imagine some more bouncing around, varying lengths of time etc. until I made my way to a social worker to do some CBT! He was around my age which was interesting. He could have been a bit younger or older, I never figured that out. He was lovely. He had face piercings, was pretty stylish and he got it. Definitely saw him on the street a few times but never made eye contact, not on purpose, he just never saw me! Anyway, I have mentioned that comparison, standards, where I am in life, my achievements etc. is one of the issues behind my depression and being a peer of the same generation, he understood where I was coming from. We had some fantastic CBT sessions and I truly felt a shift in my thinking and became a true believer in it. The catch though? I only had a set number of sessions with him and then it was adiós. But that is the point of doing CBT, it helps you shift your thinking and then it’s over. He was kind enough to find me a social worker he knew who would provide me with a lower price based on my income level. (I really have had quite a bit of luck and plain ol’ kindness of others helping me along the way!)

I recently saw a woman who was only a couple years older than me and also trained at a school I had never heard of so I was a bit skeptic. She spoke of chakras and energy on top of the typical psychological theory. However, she was amazing and it was so good to talk to a woman my age – she was single like me, had similar interests and life experiences. It was golden. And super affordable because she was still in school.

Last Sidenotes:

There were times I did meet a therapist and simply didn’t connect or like them and what they had to say, this is what led to such a high count of people I’ve seen. It was never difficult for me to stop seeing someone right away, I mean if I can stop seeing a certain wax lady, I can stop therapy with someone I’m not fond of.

Race and ethnicity is a big thing, it affects how you think, daily life, family history, etc. I would love to find a black female (or male) therapist one day! I did bring up race to my current therapist and she handled it pretty well! She was earnest and genuinely sympathetic to the plight I brought up, I was impressed, that could have gone real sideways.

I typically do a bit of role-rehearsal and ask the therapist personal questions once I am comfortable and feel that we have enough of a relationship to cross that line. Do you have kids? How many? Are you married? Where did you go to school (If I didn’t know already)? I’m sorry, I need to know what that person has experienced in their personal lives and where/what they studied. Who is this person trying to provide me with treatment of my mind and soul?

Advice:

  • Firstly, you have to work the system – health care is free in Canada but you have to get to know what you are working with and advocate for yourself.
  • Don’t judge, try different professionals! You never know where that gem of advice might be! Don’t be stush!
  • Culture and race are important. the Jewish lady knew the pressure immigrant families can have on their children, and the dynamics of that type of family.
  • Age can be important depending on what you are looking for or the issues you are dealing with at the time.
  • You’re going to grow and though all this switching was exhausting for me, well it kind of worked with my evolution as a woman and the stages of my depression and advancement in my coping skills.
  • Don’t push, if you honestly feel like you can’t discuss a certain topic or aren’t stable/strong enough at the time, don’t. Only do what you are ready for and only you can know that.
  • You’ve got to navigate around the money issue – find someone on a sliding scale based on income, see a student you connect with or a new grad.
  • There are sites with local listings, for instance professional association sites.
  • Ask around – does anyone know a GP who does therapy as well? Does your primary care office know of someone?
  • Check your coverage (like call them) – some cover social workers, some a certain amount per year. Maybe advocate for this type of coverage at your work with HR if you’re comfortable. Trust me, I highly doubt you are the only person at your job who needs therapy benefits.
  • Lastly, not every session is going to blow your mind, sometimes you have breakthroughs, some days you get nothing but release maybe, and others you leave with just one golden nugget maybe.

It takes work and time but there is help out there and I wish you all the best on your search!

What has your experience been like with different therapists? 

 

 

Timeline of my depression (and OCD)

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Epp! Today is Bell Let’s Talk day and I wanted to post something personal and deep. So I’ve decided to share my mental illness timeline with you which I am realizing is very personal but what the heck, here goes!

2000 – First signs of Depression, saw very first psychiatrist, 15 years old

  • 2000

    First signs of Depression, saw very first psychiatrist, 15 years old

  • 2001/2002

    OCD starts to rear its ugly head, starts with germ obsession

  • 2003/2004

    Takes year off before starting University away (not a horrible time, did stuff, saw docs)

  • 2004

    University frosh week, first panic attack

  • 2008

    Handling thesis, TA’ing, psych mentor program (I know, the irony) president duties, grad apps etc. A student (under supervision) tries to do exposure therapy with me for my OCD (horrid timing). Breakdown city. Still managed a pretty good GPA though. First time trying anti-depressants.

  • 2009 to 2014

    Over 20 mental health professionals (the mental health system in Toronto is…interesting – more on that later), every drug possible (I mean every). A few moves around Toronto. A whole lot of therapy. More CBT (this time successful). Various jobs. Back to school for a post-grad certificate. Engaged!

  • 2015

    Fiance ends things

  • 2016 to 2018

    Moves back home to pull myself together

  • 2018

    Love my job, love my place, back to loving life but will never be the same (truthfully, I think I will always have elements of depression in my life)

  • 2019 to Present

I wanted to clarify that although I write about my break up, it is by no means where my depression begun but it definitely set me back as you can imagine. Mental illness is a long road with ups and downs, lulls and highs, stability and chaos, tragedy and hilarity. All of the above came with so many rich stories and lessons that have truly made me into a resilient, super tough woman (still working on it of course, to grow is to live).

I cannot wait to share all my stories with you!

What does your mental illness timeline look like?

One of the most embarrassing stages of my depression

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Ok, obviously there are a lot of things about your mental illness you could be embarrassed/ashamed about, especially when it comes to anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts and of course the big one, suicidal ideation (which no one really wants to admit, who wants to tell people that?). And if it were a perfect world we wouldn’t have to be embarrassed by any of it! But yes…there’s that thing called stigma.

I have lots of embarrassing stories about my life in general, therapy appointments, love life, etc. But in the last three years there’s a B.I.G. one and it just so happens to have been caused by my depression.

After my break up and moving back home, I hit, not rock bottom, but definitely some sort of bottom. The breakup really destroyed a part of me. He was part of the little joy I found in life sometimes, losing him unexpectedly was devastating. Weekdays were fine but weekends…weekends were terrible. I would literally stay in bed for the majority of the day, perhaps I would wake up between noon and 2pm, eat something (wasn’t breakfast time but definitely breakfast foods), head back upstairs and just fall back into bed to sleep. Next wake up time was maybe around dinner time, I would eat, do a few things, maybe watch TV, shower… then head back to bed. And, make note, I was actually sleeping, which means I was asleep maybe 20-24 hours with a couple breaks. Sometimes this would be for both Saturday and Sunday but it really depended on my plans.

Now i’m sure you’re saying, huh, how is this embarrassing? But I feel extremely shameful about this time in my life. And you have to understand this went on for three years (a long time, I know, hence the shame). I’m mostly a type-A person and very ambitious and there I was wasting away in bed. I could’ve done so much with that time (one friend liked to point out I could’ve written another book in that time, and well she was right, I could have). It was a very shameful experience to be honest.

I lived with my father at the time, just him and I. Truthfully, I have always been a sleeper so the sleeping-in didn’t really concern him at first. When it got extensive, he obviously became very concerned. He started out very sweet and sympathetic but to be honest I think he just hit a wall of frustration at one point (I since have written him a card thanking him for his love and support while apologizing because I know this wasn’t what he imagined it would be like when I returned home to live). We fought some mornings (mostly him shouting), perhaps he thought the tough love would get me to change, but it didn’t.

Honestly now that I look back… part of me thinks that’s what I needed. I needed to shut down on weekends to survive, to reboot, to rest from all the challenges/trauma I’ve had in my life. I had been fighting emotionally for a long time. My body and mind were just like nope. And it felt good, it felt so good to just give in and sleep. It was the closest thing to death really.

It did seriously f— up my sleep cycle and circadian rhythm eventually and I had to actively work to reverse what I did and sometimes yes… sometimes that pillow or couch and sweet escape of sleep still calls my name.

What would you say are/were the most embarrassing things you dealt with when it came to your mental illness?

Sleep tips that have helped me reverse the damage:

No phone, no laptop or electronics in bedroom
Read books/magazines in bed or before bed
No alcohol, no late nights
*No caffeine after noon
*30-40mins naps only and before 3pm
Consistent sleep and wake time, *even on weekends
If it takes you longer than 20 mins to sleep get up and read (so that bed is associated with sleep)

*Ones that helped the most

What kept me from properly launching my book?

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I want to be honest about my writing journey because it’s part of the entire picture and has definitely been influenced by my depression. I also don’t want to pretend and leave out parts of the story as it really defeats the purpose. And really if you go back far enough in my blog posts you’ll see where and when this all started. That being said, I’d like to address what the hell happened along my book journey and why it’s taken me so long to properly launch and market A Hidden Life.

  • I had completed the novel in 2014 and had a launch party with family and friends.
  • 2015, the fiance broke it off, I moved back home into my parents house, sh*t just went down the toilet from there. I hit a low point and stayed in bed often (more on that later), this lasted for a couple years. I did not have it in me to promote anything, period.
    •  I attempted many times to work on this project during those darker times but it just was not happening.
  • I was always waiting for the “time to be right.” I realized that time would never come. There is no perfect time and you’ll see so many people say that on social.
  • I was frightened to make mistakes and not execute it perfectly. As a perfectionist and a type-A person, I did not want an imperfect book or launch. Took me a bit to realize how my need for perfection was hindering my life (all aspects). Nothing would ever be perfect, my life or this book.
  • I was (and still am) scared this book is a piece of crap. I have my friends who strongly support this project and those who read the type of genre I am aiming to fit into and enjoyed reading A Hidden Life but still to put your work out there is frightening! And this is something I wrote in my 20s.
    • BUT look at Hollywood and well they release lower quality movies all the time, not that I’m purposely putting out garbage but you know what I mean! And a lot of actors make it back after crappy movies, so what if not everyone loves A Hidden Life. Also, my book, even if it’s not perfect, still has a purpose. The perfectionist in me is like well if it ain’t going to be #1 what’s the point? I have to step away from this type of thinking because I truly do feel it could help a lot of people, especially young women battling with mental illness.
    • And well, you have to start somewhere! Look at Issa Rae, her YouTube show, The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, was jokes but was it high quality to the next level as Insecure? No, but it showed her talent and she learned and grew.
  • I was not in a place where I could admit to myself the dedication it would take to pull this off (side hustles are freaking draining). Nor was I ready for that level of dedication. Finally, I wasn’t experiencing happiness in other areas of my life so it was difficult to be motivated about a side project, if that makes any sense.

I’m now in a place where I am stronger than ever and years of therapy are finally paying off. I’ve (mostly) recovered from the ex-fiance situation. I love my job, my apartment and I’m in a place financially and emotionally to do this right. Also, I think I’m just the right amount of relaxed to build organically on this project while still being somewhat strategic and disciplined in its execution.

Has your mental illness stopped you from working on any side (or main) hustles and projects? What do you think will help you overcome what’s blocking you and get things started finally?

 

 

 

What helped me with my mental health in 2018

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I know everyone is super focused on 2019 and #goals and so am I but I think it is also important to reflect on 2018 and have a hard look at what made it successful or a disaster. For me, it was a bit of a strange year as I spent about six months of it looking for a job so I was in a bit of a limbo space. That being said, my mental illness didn’t just disappear, if anything it needed extra attention due to the instability. 

Here are a few key factors that helped me with my mental health in 2018:

I started to set boundaries at work. I have made a huge evolution in the last four years by really assessing what exactly made me vulnerable in the past, how that led to emotional upsets and how I can make corrections. This has been a particular issue for me when it comes to work relationships. Admittedly, I’ve been making this mistake since I started full time work eight years ago and it’s taken me a long time to learn my lesson. I let everyone into my life (and heart really) as soon as I started a new job. Again, much like dating, I’m like a puppy who wants to play with everyone! As you can imagine this often led to disaster. You have to draw a line between your work life and your personal life and you cannot be best friends with everyone. Period. Correcting this has enhanced my confidence and security at work tenfold and I’ve avoided my old pitfalls. 

I finally found the right medication. This has been a ten year journey, full of (moderate to terrible) side-affects, money spent and well, wasted time more or less. I will elaborate on this point in a future post but I experienced a game-changer this year and it changed my life. 

My coping skills finally developed (i.e. less freak outs). I no longer have emotional freak outs. I can react to things much calmer and quieter (in and outside of my head). I mean, I get emotional of course – I am only human – but that level of emotional response is much more appropriate for the situation and passes much faster. In the past my reactions would be very heavy and could cause an emotional downward spiral. I attribute this change to my new medication and honestly, 18 years of therapy and self-development. It’s finally happened! I’ve grown! I know now that I can handle most life challenges, having had so many in the past. I know 18 years is a long ass time, but I still hope it shows others that there is light at the end of the tunnel (you might even get there quicker!). Please consider, I also grew out of my teens and 20s as well as attained stability in my life. 

I realized, I don’t need to be the 2.0 version of myself right now. It takes time to become the person you want to be/can be. This was a huge, as Oprah calls it, aha moment for me. Why on earth did I think that I was going to be a complete and utter success right after undergrad? I mean yes, some of my friends were legit shooting stars right out of post-secondary, but that is rare. And I finally see that. I’ve taken great comfort in the knowledge that I have time, I have time to develop my skills to achieve my goals. I don’t need to be Doogie Howser. Honestly, that might even had been a bit boring if everything had worked out for me right away (haha you know I’ve progressed when I can say things like that). 

Pre-emptive self-care is critical, particularly for those with mental illness. Leaving parties early. Not drinking that fifth glass of wine. Saying no because you know you won’t be able to juggle things. Giving your family set visits. These are all about knowing how things will affect you in the future and doing a bit of time-travel in your mind. A great very recent example of this for me was how I scheduled my time-off during this past holiday break. I chose to go into work two half days in the middle of my time off because I knew that many days off in a row would not be conducive to my mental health. Going into the office is key for me, it gives me purpose, structure and forces me to get out of bed early. I knew this schedule would benefit me the greatest. 

Saving my negative talk or rants for therapy. This, I did not get to practice but I intend to for 2019. I think pouring your negative expression into certain friendships (or romantic relationships) is detrimental. a) It’s not fun for your friends. b) It creates these depressing spaces. It turns certain friendships into your doom and gloom spaces which isn’t healthy. Save this type of talk for your therapist, that’s what you’re paying them for! I truly believe this will lead to healthier and happier friendships and decrease your tendency to dwell on the negative. Sidenote: I’ve also realized that when something challenging occurs in your life you do not need to tell ten people. This is something I’ve always done and it really stretches out the negativity and literally brings in ten different opinions. Keep an issue to yourself for a period, take the time to assess it and discuss it only with those who may give you great advice or help you talk things through. Many of my friends often do this and tell people things only when they are ready.

Surround yourself with great mentors. You need people to catch you when you fall, personally and professionally. For me it was professionally this year. I know this may seem far removed from mental health but it is all related. No job equals no income equals a whole lot of things depending on your savings account. My point is you really have to take care of yourself in all realms to manage your mental health. I know that sounds overwhelming but it’s the truth. And also don’t forget it’s all about building on your groundwork of stability. It all interacts. Make sure you have a mentor who knows your worth and what you need (not necessarily want) professionally and personally. Ideally and in a magical world, you have someone who has successfully dealt with mental health issues as well and can provide you with advice. I cannot emphasize enough the benefits of building a solid support network (more on that later!) 

Many of the above lessons have helped me to really believe things will work out no matter what, they sure as hell won’t be perfect but I am now wise enough to handle life and living with a mental illness. I know this all might seem a bit general, if you have questions or want to discuss the topics above feel free to comment below and we can chat. Last lessons from 2018 I leave you with are, always go with your gut and what you are naturally drawn to and realize that time goes by fast! If you don’t make a plan to address your mental health in the first month of the year, start as soon as possible, it will go by in the blink of an eye. The older we get and more busy, the faster time seems to pass us by. Start now!

What mental health lessons did you learn in 2018? How have they changed your life?

Who Is In Control, You or Jesus/the Universe?

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I’ve been having a hard time articulating this topic but it’s one that keeps coming up for me and how I approach my life, especially my thought patterns (which is important to my mental health). I grew up in a Christian household, attending church most Sundays until I was about 13 years old. I used to pray more consistently, but admittingly now only do so when times are rough.

These days when I find myself at a crossroads I tend to look at it two ways, Jesus/the universe is trying to give me a sign and direct me on a path OR I need to direct myself on this path that is presenting itself. A fun recent example of this is my romantic life (this is literally happening right now). Having dated a few guys I didn’t click with 100% followed by a classic Toronto fuckboy, a part of me is like okay “Jesus/the universe does not want me dating right now. They want me to focus on my book and career.” Sidenote: I am also working part-time right now, which also allows me more time to focus on the book and what I really want in a full-time job. My point here is, I also have the thought “Forget Jesus/the universe I need to grab life by the balls and make this time my bitch!” I need to take responsibility for my own success! I don’t think there is anything wrong with claiming signs from God, don’t get me wrong love the guy, but for me with my depression I cannot be passive in my destiny or day-to-day care. I cannot hand the reigns to someone else.

There are so many things wrong with this thinking for me personally. Not only does it allow me to kind of pass my responsibility to someone/thing else but it also makes me think everything is up to Jesus/the universe which isn’t always a good thing. At certain parts in my life my depression arose from a lack of stability and control (having a stable place to live, stable support from caregivers etc.) but what I realized as an adult is that I have to create this stability for myself, whatever that means, house, home, spiritually etc. I have to take control. And I cannot have that stability and control if I am handing off the keys to a higher being for everything. I need to choose this time for me. I need to make this decision and stick with it. It won’t be the universe who has made my achievements happen. It will be me.

How has religion affected your mental health? Has it been helpful or hurtful at times?

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It’s been 2 years and 8 months since the big break up and I find myself asking, do I hate my ex-fiancé? How do I now feel about him and what he did? It’s a weird feeling I get when I think about this. I kind of awkwardly chuckle to myself. In my mature moments, I think “all is fair in love and war” right? He didn’t love me anymore, so he broke it off. Fair, no? But on the flip side, did he have to propose eight months earlier? No. Did he have to cut things off dryly (would not come home and see me the night of, after he basically broke it to me over the phone)? Those things I would say were unfair, he could have done it with some more finesse but I guess he was hurting too.

So do I hate him? Sigh. No. Hate is a strong word. Can you really ever hate someone you once loved and imagined your life with?

I will say though, that I have grown. I have grown spiritually and emotionally. I am a different woman now. I handle my finances better, I have an amazing job and I have even deeper relationships with my girlfriends/tribe and family (who both went above and beyond their support for me). I believe in myself, my merits, my smarts, my importance. Could all those things have happened while I was still with him? I don’t know. But to be on the optimistic side I will be thankful for those things. Will I ever thank him? Not today.

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